Source: tumblr.com via Michele on Pinterest
Holding Fast
January 16, 2011 at 4:17 am (General, The Neccessary Evils)
Tags: children, death, dying, life, love, memories
SO yes, I’m not 16 anymore. My skin has aged. It sags where I never knew such a thing was possible. It is harder to keep a decent shape. I’m flawed. But the years I’ve put on, I’ve not regretted a minute. Because with age, comes memories.
Amazing days with your children that just seemed to never, ever end-nor did you wish them to. No one bickered. Nothing broken. You catch a great sale on a lamp and the best part is that your little girls helped you choose it. They dressed up in those humongous floppy beach hats – one flamingo pink, the other aqua blue. Oh and don’t forget the matching purses. What a shame I didn’t catch a picture of that! The pitiful thing is that I’m considering going back to the store, just to recreate the memory I intend to capture on photo. Mothers in love do crazy things. They see their day with a little more color, a little sweeter aroma. And all they can focus on is grabbing hold of their babies, kissing their cheeks, wrapping them tight enough to feel their heart beating.
These are times I try my hardest to remember. Hold the memory. Because when the day is over, that is what pulls you through. When your heart breaks, when you can’t seem to catch a breath, the smell of your babies will bring you back. Help you along. Aid you when you are sick or too weak to go on. Their love, their unforgettable love for you. No disapproval. You are the only one to them.
When that time comes that you realize you’ve done it, you’ve succeeded, and there is nothing in your heart that can deny the impact you’ve had on the people around you, you can peacefully let go. You have to let go. For it’s the only way to allow them to grow and to use all that you’ve taught them. Without this, your efforts would be void.
What a hard lesson life is! I thought my mother was just talking about high school when she shared this with me. Who’d have known it gets harder with age. The memories show as lines on my face and the faint grays in my hair. A slow, monumental smile forms on me. And I am proud.
(One of my favorite songs of how easily we can lose life and how precious it is… that we should hold on to what we have now)\'If I Die Young\' by The Band Perry
What a compelling story of love and loss and the lengths a person would go to just to be a little closer to feeling love. That draw, the magnetic pull that a child has on a mother, is much like the drive the Lady of Shalott had for Sir Lancelot.
Letter to Kayla
December 9, 2010 at 6:25 pm (Good, Better, Best, Offspring)
In front of the Christmas tree with its sparkling lights, with the aroma of the holidays; the evening I wrote this letter was one of my defining moments as a mother….I wish to share it with you.
Dec. 17, 2008
My dearest daughter Kayla,
I sit here and reflect on you, my first daughter, and I cannot help but form a smile on my face as warmth fills my heart and tears well in my eyes. I have watched you grow from a sweet, innocent little baby into a mature, responsible, loving daughter, sister, and friend. I can only hope and pray that the women you will become in the years ahead will continue to flourish among those around you and will always, always strive for the best in all you do!
When you were little, learning to walk and talk, I loved knowing that I was a prominent figure in your life. I chose to work in an environment where I could have you with me. I wanted to be there for you every day; to be a mother that nourished and encouraged her baby to learn and grow. My goal was to support you in every aspect of your life. I will continue to encourage you to develop into a person with love in her heart and an eagerness to become a strong, independent young woman who, in some way big or small, puts her personal stamp on the world.
I find it amusing to look back through your baby albums (yes, you have three!). It makes me chuckle to see the itty bitty baby you were. Eating magazine pages, sneaking chocolate under the table, sucking your two middle fingers, picking fuzz from blankets…I could go on for days! In trying to muster, even remotely, the right words to describe you as a person today, I find it humbling to see I’d written them exactly as they’d be when you were merely a few months old! I will share them with you now.
In your second baby book I found a page labeled “signs.” These signs included your zodiac and Chinese year, astrological sign, birthstone and flower among others. I’d written according to these that you would become a person with sincerity. You would be sociable, yet stubborn, hard-working, and outgoing, but a person who dislikes arguments. You would be passionate and cheerful, caring and full of foresight. Now, I can only attest to the fact that, yes, you are ALL of these!
You have many friends from all over. You, no doubt, will continue to surround yourself with people. My hope is that you choose your friends wisely and know that though you may have many friends, it is the few closest to you that have the most impact. Choose those whom you can learn from and gain strength and happiness from as well. Baby, let’s face it…yeah, you can, at times, be a teeny bit stubborn. 
Rather, let’s say…a girl with perseverance. You stand your ground and hold true to your beliefs and I commend you for that. It is the leaders of the world who fight for their beliefs and lead others by their example. Never stop learning and always jump at the chance to teach someone your knowledge. Hard work is reflected in your success in athleticism, your academics, and your personal growth. You are a star athlete, a great student, and the people around you should feel as blessed as I do to be in your presence.
Outgoing. Hmmm…well, this is easy. You are polite in the presence of adults; you are not shy to speak up or to get to know a new person. I have always taught you to welcome people and opportunities into your life; that you may gain something from anyone or anything you pursue.
You dislike arguments. Ha! You and I both know that! You are much like me in that aspect. You’ve gained my trait to always want harmony and camaraderie among your family and peers. Though there have been times we’ve argued, as in all parent/child relationships, know that I am passionate to reflect my love for you, to continue to help you grow into a strong, upstanding citizen who contributes to and cares for those around you.
I can’t tell you how it continues to make me feel to see your cheerful smile and hear you laugh. At your age now, in the prime of your adolescence, cheerfulness is at most times with your friends, as it should be. You have continued to succeed in the stages of your childhood development and I applaud you (and me as your mother ) for that. Just don’t forget your dear ole’ family. We love you and will ALWAYS be here for you. Don’t forget to share your cheer with us too. Your laugh is simply infectious. I’d be surprised to hear of one person who doesn’t light up when hearing you laugh. You are absolutely beautiful and your smile makes you shine. Don’t ever forget that. You can make someone’s day just by smiling their way. No matter if friend or stranger, smiles have never dulled a person’s day. Many a time have I remembered months, even years later, a person I’d barely known help me feel better just by simply giving me a smile.
Care. This virtue is one of the most important ones. Wherever you find yourself in your adulthood, always remember to care for those around you. And yes, I’d like to think you got this from me! It speaks volumes to know in your heart that you have given of yourself to help another person, sick or well, to feel better. Whether that means consoling them when they are sad, cleaning their wounds, being sensitive to their feelings, or even teaching them to learn a new skill; wherever you find yourself, always remember that caring is such an easy thing to do. It is as simple as holding a door for an elderly person, or a mother with a baby. It can mean looking down at your full grocery cart and allowing someone ahead of you in line who has only a few items. The simple things you do or say show your care for those whose paths you cross each day. You may never see that person again, but fill your heart with joy to know that you cared for them in some small way.
And finally, in your page of signs, I wrote that you would be full of foresight. Well, if this is true, you already know that you are one of Earth’s most magnificent beings! You already know that your whole family loves you more than any words can say or any hug can show. You already know that I, as your mother and your eternal friend, can only hope for the very best success for you in life! You already know that I cannot wait for the day when I see your shining, beautiful face again. You already know that I will be patient and understanding if you choose to move away from me, but that I will ache for the day we are together again. You already know that I hope that you aim high and continue to fill your life with achievement. Success cannot always happen, but the hurdles in life help you learn from mistakes and triumph over tragedy and thus strengthen you. It is this foresight that tells you your mother loves you unconditionally, without question!
You have grown from the little curly-headed Kayla who would love to snuggle, into a strong, beautiful young woman! I anticipate with eagerness the coming days that we continue to grow in our relationship. When I see you victorious in all facets of your life, rest assured, I will feel my own sense of accomplishment that I did my best as a mother and friend to you! I love you always!
Love Eternally,
MOM
Plenty of the Usuals
November 28, 2010 at 6:07 am (Good, Better, Best, Offspring)
Tags: children, daughters, happiness, kissing, motherhood, Offspring, parenting
Commonly during this Thanksgiving holiday people ask, whether to oneself or others, “What are you thankful for this holiday?”
And often there is an answer that seems blind. It often sounds hurried, lacking conviction and meaning. “I’m thankful for my family and friends, the Lord, my health, my job…”
I asked my 4-year old this question and without a blink; as if it were the simplest she’d ever been asked, as if I’d just asked “what color is the sky”; she looked straight at me and put her hands on my cheeks. She said with all the meaning in the world, “I love you mommy. I am thankful for you and daddy and sissy”…naming off everyone in the family. This including our pets, even the four fish. And with this, she kisses me square on the lips. Quick, full, and sweet. Mwahhh!
What many might respond with, the usual answer to a common question, Lauren made into the most genuine, original response I’d heard in a long while. Thanksgiving is about being thankful for what and even who a person has in their lives. And yes, I am most fortunate and proud to say that I possess plenty of the usuals. I have a blessed family, healthy and functioning, successful and joyous. A job where I have lots of flexibility. Though at times life throws a hurdle, I am still running. I have my health and I have the ability to make myself and those around me happy, therefore I am joyous in others’ presence.
Plain. Easy. Simple. Usual. Love it, got plenty of it.
Mermaid-Ballerina-Ladybug-Fairy
November 8, 2010 at 4:57 am (Good, Better, Best)
Tags: children, costumes, halloween, motherhood, parenting
Here are a few memories not worth losing. There are times in life that need to be recorded, these are just a few of mine.
This is Lauren’s original costume designed entirely by herself. Among the top 5,247 choices made approximately 3 weeks leading up to the big day, this was a favorite. She “settled” for a Lowly Pink Princess with sparkles and all. This was my personal fave though and may very well be for many years to come.
Lauren as Lowly Pink Princess, which she thoroughly enjoyed and managed well with running from house to house in house slippers- the Only-Single-Most-Absolute footwear that could be worn with this ensemble. Nikki stands proudly as a vet and Kennedy as “im”patient as she was, insisted on barking at the camera.
All in all, the evening was a complete and utter success. The only thing missing were my two older children, now 17 and 14, who were at Halloween parties. I am a hopeless mother. I know. Visions of the entire family merrily spending time making memories through the years will never leave me. It’s one of the few (almost) controllable things in my life. And if not for my family, I would have nothing. Rather I should say, without my family, I would be nothing. My life would cease meaning. My family makes me whole. Without a piece, even in the form of a 14-year-old girl, I feel incomplete.
It is in those fleeting moments when we are all together at the dinner table, or happen to gather in the house in the same room all at once, that I am most happy. Hands down. It’s as if the atmosphere shifts a little-just enough for me to recognize true completeness. As the older kids grow, it is harder to keep them close by. This is why I cling to my youngest with all my might. They are my life. Plain and simple.
Wait, I’m Not Ready
November 2, 2010 at 4:01 am (Offspring, The Neccessary Evils)
Tags: children, girls, motherhood, wait
I wonder if I will ever recover from missing my children as they grow older. Infancy, Toddlerhood, even Grade-school/Almost Teenage-But-Minus-Attitude stage were easier to swallow than this. Is it this hard because she’s my first girl? My first baby? Even watching my stepson drift in and out of the house kicks me back a notch. It’s like I entered a time warp, but don’t remember when it started or that it even began! All I feel like saying to Time is WAIT!!!!
Wait for me to store more memories. Wait for me to sit down and relish at their progress, their beauty. Wait. Please. I’ll even take back the crazy hectic travel sports days. Where every day I scurried home from work, grabbed the baby from daycare, threw snacks into a lunch box, wait-forgot the drinks, “Did you get your ball?”, ahh-feed the dog, then leave the garage door cracked, go potty..go go go….still 3 minutes late. Crud. For 8 years running. That’s all I knew. The run.
Now, well, now I run them around, but instead of to their playdates, its to the mall and the movies. To a sleepover. I barely know this new friend’s parents. I can’t stand and gab with them like I did the soccer parents. I can’t let my littlest one run around and jump on their laps. There are times when I’m not even required to exit my car, much less unbuckle. I’m growing obsolete. Unneeded. Ghostly.
…
I called up my almost 15 year old daughter. After a few no-shows and cancellations, we finally got a lunch date planned. What a wonderful time!!! Words can’t describe how fulfilling it was to me. Is it weird to say that all I wanted to do was squeeze her and not let go? I wanted to steal her away from everyone else in her life. To be selfish, the way it was when she was in Infancy. She was so dependent upon me. For everything. Food, clothing, warmth, love, life. I didn’t have to share her with girlfriends or boys or teachers or dads or coaches. Wait… Just a moment. Wait… What happened to life? I’m not ready for them to grow up. Yes, I know I still have my youngest who has yet to enter into kindergarten, but if I feel this way about my first, won’t the others go just as swiftly? Lord I hope not.
I’ve been told to let go. Heck, I even tell myself that. But the minute I spend more time on my interests, a year is gone. Poof! Then I miss my children more. I want more time with them. I feel as though I’m going to miss something that I can’t get back. Someone please tell me that I will still be able to have a relationship with them after they leave the nest. I have this image in my head that they are sauntering off down the sidewalk toward their college dorm, boxes in tow, and they fade and then disappear forever. Is that what it feels like?
It scares me to the core!!
The Sweets Sleeps
October 21, 2010 at 4:06 am (Offspring)
Tags: children, happiness, noise, paradise, parenting, sleep, sweet
Rhythmic sound of her steady breathing/ in/ out/. repeat/
She is my third child and yet I can’t seem to grow tired of the sound. The sweet smell of her skin. Her warm, silky cheek. I can’t resist kissing her cheeks. and her nose. These moments melt away all the anxious moments I spent chasing her at her sister’s basketball practice. All the times she asked me “are we getting ice cream?” When she wouldn’t sit still at dinner and kept placing her hands on the underside of the table at Subway (we have quick dinners when Data (promounced Daa-Taa with a short ‘a’ . like Dada with a Taa). Eww! Bleh! When she pestered her sister that she didn’t want to watch Survivor, that it was HER TURN to watch a show and why didn’t mommy come play with me!? The cymbals and drums start to clammer in my brain, ever more pressing on my gray matter, louder and louder until…..
….
Babbling brooks, birds tweeting from tree branches above, the crisp breeze across my skin {enter harpist}….
Peacefulness. Silence. Calm.
Shhhh…..
No sound. No commotion. No nothing. She sleeps near immobile beside me (I promised her that I would “seep wiss her” (Sleep with her)).
Ahhh….This is my paradise. (yeah, I know, having kids tends to dramatically lower your standards and expectations in life)
Legend of a Greek Goddess
March 13, 2010 at 4:33 am (General, The Neccessary Evils)
Tags: beauty, evil, pandora
Derived from http://www.pantheon.org/articles/p/pandora.html
Pandora
by Micha F. Lindemans
In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, “all-gifted”.
When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus’ brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope.
I am compelled by her curiosity and the fact that she was considered the first woman on earth. Given many talents, beauty, music, and labeled “all-gifted,” I am intrigued by the very essence of her figure.
To Market, to Market
February 23, 2010 at 2:32 am (Seeds n' Weeds)
Tags: ceramics, crop, farmer's market, fruits, gardening, handmade, harvest, pottery, small farming, vegetables, woodcrafts
It’s February, which means for us, it’s time to start thinking about loading up the greenhouse in hopes for a gratuitous year of fruits and veggies. Our goal this year is to grow whatever the heck will survive in our rows. Grow whatever we think will sell at our (hopefully) successful roadside stand and at farmer’s markets. It’s exciting to think about providing something that someone wants and needs. We all need food. Most of us want locally grown, organic or mostly un-chemically altered foods at an affordable price, right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we gotta good thing goin’ here.
At the same time, it’s scary to think I know so little about this business. I’m a bookworm. Okay, okay, a nerd. Tried and true. I need to know everything there is to know about a topic before I jump in with both feet. Otherwise, I find I’m anxious and unprepared. Not a soothing feeling in the belly if you ask me. But, in my ripe age, I’m learning to breath and let go a little. Like a dandelion seed, let the wind take me where it may. Phew.
So, as we forge on, it is my hope this year to learn as much as I can about small farm business; mostly the fun, part-time side of it. I’m not going to take out loans and open second mortgages in hopes that I can quit my job and make an enterprise out of this. Ha! Not on the few acres we have. Rather, I’m going to indulge on life. Life. The things that make me, us, our family happy. Togetherness. I want to instill hard work and appreciation in my children. That they can experience firsthand what rewards can come from putting forth effort into a passion. Virtue, compassion, kindness, cooperation. And on….
Now I just need a name for this.
Newness
December 31, 2009 at 8:31 pm (General, The Bad and The Worse)
Tags: new year
Unsure in which categories to place this one just yet. I am not a good predictor of the future. However, based on faith, karma, and my past, I’d have to say that it’s GOT to get better from here. I once asked someone, “You know the saying ‘Once you reach rock bottom/the bottom of the barrel, the only place to go is up?’ What happens if the bottom of my ‘barrel’ has a whole in it?” And their oh-so-vomitously-positive reply was,” Then you plug it up and rise with the waters and triumph.” Bbb…bbb..blehhhh! I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.
So, I’m jumping into the new year, or rather soldier crawling, even slithering, because that’s all the energy I feel I have to give right now, in hopes that my waters will rise and I don’t forget my floaties because God forbid I drown!
Happy New Year to all! May it be safe healthy, and prosperous!
